How To Survive in a
Fandom
(01) Never, ever in any way
reveal details about your personal life. Have parents?
Brothers, sisters? Not anymore. Never mention family unless in
passing. Do not mention school, significant others, work, or
anything remotely personally related. This makes you
automatically vulnerable and a victim for attack. In short, it
makes you Human. In Fandom, you cannot be Human.
(02)
Do not in any form ever show feeling at all. Ever. You are a
rock. Never have a bad day. Never be upset about anything.
Your dog died? Suck it up or don't come online. Feelings
aren't welcome in Fandom. Should you show any feeling at all,
you will be labeled whiny and depressed.
Do. Not. Show.
Feeling.
(03) Never give any details about your true
personality. Post nothing on your blog, LiveJournal, etc. that
may in some way shape or form make you seem like an actual
Human Being. Post nothing on your journal but the occasional
catch of humorous lines or something about your
anime/manga/series/etc. of choice. Remember, you are not
Human.
(04) Never in any shape or form write an
essay about your fandom. Never write any detailed thoughts on
a particular topic.
(05)
You have no opinion.
(06) Write. Do not draw
attention to yourself. Do not create a fic log. Do not
announce when you have posted something to FanFiction.net. For
the sake of God above, do not ever post something you have
written to a community or mailing list. Stay in the
background. Do not be noticed. People must like you, and then
you must be forgettable as that 'one writer who wrote a good
story.'
(07) Reached more than 30 or so reviews?
Stop what you're doing now. You cannot possibly have
more than the average 10 reviews. You have automatically
become a greater known commodity. Back out
now.
(08) Never, ever achieve the status of a BNF.
You will discover enemies where you did not know you had
enemies. You may write like a God, but once you have more than
100 reviews and people see this, they will tear you to sheds
and find every single thing wrong with your stories as
possible. You will never have any greater company than the
small-minded fan girls that dedicate altars in your name and
squeal madly whenever they are an inch within your presence.
Get used to having others resent you.
But remember,
you have no feeling.
(09) For the Love of God,
do not make a web page, especially in a relatively
small fandom that has very few fan pages or good sources for
fan works aside from FanFiction.net. You have become automatic
victims. Shoot yourself in the head and escape
now.
(10) Speak to no one. Be there, but be
unreachable. Have an obscure screen name. Use only MSN
Messenger. Be obscure. When in a chat room, speak briefly, and
speak without breaking any of the above rules. When another
person brings up anything remotely personal, express
condolesences, and move on. Move on fast; you could be caught
easily in the trap of caring.
(11) Never ever engage in
a flame war. Never comment on the subject. Do not leave subtle
messages on your own blog or LiveJournal. Do not speak of it
to anyone. Watch the proceedings as you so choose, but say
nothing. Say nothing when your friends are the ones being
treated terribly. Say nothing when someone is being a complete
pain in the ass. Say nothing, feel nothing, have no
opinion.
(12) Restraint. Practice gut-wrenching
restraint. Do not, however tempted you may be, ever respond to
a wanking thread. No matter how civil and polite you are, your
words will be twisted around and you will dig yourself in a
hole from which you cannot return.
(13) Read all the
rules? Have you become an obsure writer with a bare minimum of
reviews, a fading name in the fandom, a passing wind in a wild
and crazy fandom?
Good. Throw out all the rules. None
of them work.
Now relax. Write what you want to write.
Be pleased with what you do and you can achieve great things.
Reviews mean nothing. Quantity is nothing compared to quality.
Someone has a problem with you? That's life. No one will
always like you. Like yourself, find comfort in your friends,
and you'll do fine.
Remember, it's only fan work.
Fandom is not defined by single groups of people. Fandom is
defined by the amount of fan work. Not the discussion, not the
wank, not the flames. Flame wars will come and go as long as
we have this fandom creature stalking us, but good writing and
great friends will be the only constant through it all. Find
what matters more to you. The comfort of friends and writing
what you want, being happy with what you do, or being chained
down by the fandom beast.
Always keep in mind what
attracted you to your fandom of choice to begin with. Always
remember what made you love it to begin with, what inspired
you to write for it, or to find others with similar interests
as yours. Just relax. Have fun.
It's only the fandom
beast, after all.
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The author of this piece wishes to remain anonymous
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