by Katsue
|
Hisoka flicked the kettle switch on and off distractedly, his mind and his heart in utter turmoil. Everything had made sense in a horrific, heart-wrenching sort of way in the pain of the moment: Tsuzuki's howl of sheer despair when the girl died in his arms and the way he turned on the perpetrators and her other tormentors in a state of enraged and insane grief which knew no bounds; Hisoka's own struggle to dredge up any compassion at all for the wretched members of the witch-hunt as Tsuzuki paralyzed then slaughtered them; the chillingly revolting spectacle of Tsuzuki repeatedly dashing a woman's head against a rock, of blood streaming from her nose and mouth until her head finally caved in under the impact; and Hisoka's own realization that his concern was almost entirely for Tsuzuki, that he trusted, cared about and wanted to defend and protect Tsuzuki, to stay by his side, even now... Especially now. Hisoka felt icy dread grip him every time the realisation resurfaced: Tsuzuki had become a danger. He could no longer be trusted with the delicate balance of human life and death, he had abused his position as a shinigami, he had behaved outside of EnMa's jurisdiction. Had Tsuzuki been possessed, this would be dealt with as a very unfortunate incident... but he wasn't possessed. This creature was part of Tsuzuki. Anguish surged up through the icy numbness of fear, and Hisoka took a deep breath to prevent himself from breaking down in tears. Tsuzuki would almost certainly be taken from him, be sent on to a final resting place, to eternal death. If that happens, Tsuzuki, if we have no other choice, please summon Touda again and burn us both. Take me with you... Hisoka planted both hands firmly on the work-surface to steady himself and tried desperately to pull his thoughts together. It wouldn't do for him to fall to pieces now - there must be a way to put things right, there had to be... Attempting to pull himself together was made infinitely more difficult by feeling the warmth of Tsuzuki's breath on the back of his neck and hearing him whining softly, a noise so affectionate, sad and needy that it turned rational thought into emotional response. A pair of strong hands gently pulled him backwards; Hisoka limply sank into Tsuzuki and unthinkingly submitted to the moist warmth of the tongue that dipped into his ear and wetly probed every contour. He shivered a little, shaken by how pleasurable it felt, and distressed by the yearning that twisted painfully inside of him. Desire wasn't a feeling he could deal with at the best of times - it made him feel sordid, queasy, helpless and vulnerable. And to respond this way to what was almost certainly a gesture of affectionate animal instinct was just so wrong. Hisoka straightened up and reluctantly moved away from Tsuzuki, trying to get a grip on the situation. Tsuzuki followed him, whimpering like a lost puppy. Hisoka felt like his heart was going to break. Blood-and-dirt-encrusted and smoke-blackened, violet eyes glowing unnaturally, Tsuzuki looked demonic - it was not hard to believe that he was a merciless killer. And yet Hisoka's empathy was telling him that the creature beside him was grieving, in pain and just wanted to be loved and accepted. There was no way in the world he was going to reject or abandon Tsuzuki now - not after what they'd been through together, both last night and during Hisoka's entire time as a shinigami. Tsuzuki's licky affection made him feel strange, made him feel things he didn't want to feel, but to push him away completely now would be callous and unforgiveable. He simply wouldn't understand the difference between Hisoka's instinctive defensiveness and outright rejection. "My Hisoka's sad. I don't want you to feel sad." Hisoka looked up in amazement at these words, and found Tsuzuki gazing at him with gentle concern. "But...." he stuttered, unable to deal with the fact that Tsuzuki was concerned about him. Tsuzuki was the one who had gone through hell that night, he was the one who would be sent to hell for it, and yet here he was, eyes full of tender worry, reaching out to pull Hisoka to him. Hisoka shut his eyes tightly against the battered and soiled remains of Tsuzuki's suit and burrowed close, hoping the older shinigami wouldn't notice the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. He wasn't sure what hurt the most right now - having witnessed Tsuzuki's own personal hell come luridly to life that night; the fear of losing him; the ache of what he felt for Tsuzuki, despite his best efforts to push those feelings down and deny them; or the fact that the Oni-man he held in his arms wasn't the terrifying evil being he had almost been led to expect - in some ways, this was still very much his partner, the man he cared about and felt deeply for, and he couldn't quite understand why that hurt so much, just that it did. The hands that had unflinchingly pushed a terrified teenage boy to his death in the burning building, that had mangled limbs until they snapped, that had held a woman's head in a vice-like grip while he sank his teeth through her trachea... those hands were now gentle, shaky and caressive, attempting to offer comfort. Even with the scenes of carnage so fresh in his mind, Hisoka was not afraid - not of Tsuzuki, anyway. He rested his head against Tsuzuki's chest, painfully aware of how little hope the future held for them. "Tell me why you're sad," murmured Tsuzuki, lifting Hisoka's chin and licking his face. "I... I don't know how to explain..." Hisoka began, and was cut short when Tsuzuki's tongue plunged into his mouth. He struggled for a moment to quell the nausea at the taste of blood that still lingered and unsuccessfully attempted to experience the tongue caressing his own as something other than a passionate human kiss. It was all Hisoka could do to force himself not to respond. Right at this moment, he needed Tsuzuki so much that it was painful to deny himself the pleasure and comfort of kissing him deeply. He'd never wanted to kiss anyone in this way before, and now that he did, his own emotions and Tsuzuki's had become so entangled he couldn't tell who felt what, he couldn't tell if this was a kiss or a friendly gesture. To his surprise, Tsuzuki withdrew, looked at him sadly with a disconsolate whimper and turned away. "Tsuzuki?" he asked, uncertainly, unsteadily, feeling Tsuzuki's sadness but not understanding its source. "Why are you holding back?" asked Tsuzuki, in a low, sorrowful voice. "Don't you trust me?" Hisoka stared, stunned. How on earth did Tsuzuki know that he was holding back? And in what way did he mean it - crying hysterically, kissing him hard and deep or breaking down and telling him that he loved him and couldn't bear to lose him? Or did he mean all of it? Oh god, what if he meant all of it - and more? The thought made Hisoka shiver, made his blood boil with an indescribable emotion. Tsuzuki was watching him intently, those almost luminous violet eyes taking in every nuance of feeling, every flicker of emotion that crossed his face, that trembled through his body. "I do trust you," said Hisoka, softly, a little breathlessly, feeling a nervous flutter in his stomach, a quiver of anticipation. He didn't know where this was leading them, wasn't sure he knew what it meant. Tsuzuki moved closer and gently cupped Hisoka's face in his hands. "Then why? Why were you holding back from me like that? Are you frightened?" he asked, his voice low and soft, full of concern. The question would have sounded arrogant coming from anyone else and under normal circumstances, but Tsuzuki's words were underpinned with a simple, heartfelt need and the awareness that Hisoka shared that need. To be left this raw, vulnerable and emotionally naked under that gentle violet gaze was frightening, made Hisoka desperately want to hide, put up walls around himself - and yet he longed to be able to let go of that fear, to let go of the past that taught him he wasn't worth caring about, to let go of the despair the future offered them both, to just let go. Tsuzuki, if I fall, will you catch me? If you fall, will I be able to save you? "You're afraid to be close to anyone, aren't you?" Tsuzuki continued, lightly brushing the strands of hair out of Hisoka's face. Hisoka's eyes widened; that was too painfully accurate for comfort. "I guess you worked that one out some time ago," he murmured, looking down. "I sensed that there was something wrong when you didn't respond to me earlier. I knew you wanted to..." Hisoka's head shot up, his eyes going even wider at those words. Did this mean that Tsuzuki had been kissing him? Oh god... But... something was off. Not so much that Tsuzuki was inexplicably able to pick up on his feelings, but that he had made no mention of the past. Maybe he was reading too much into things... "I thought I was the empath round here," he said, shakily, trying to make light of things and failing completely. "Empath?" echoed Tsuzuki, looking bewildered. Hisoka froze in dismay at the confusion in Tsuzuki's voice. For a few moments, he remained rooted to the spot, too numb to move, then he withdrew from Tsuzuki and stared emptily at him. "You don't know that I'm an empath?" he asked, feeling cold all over. Tsuzuki shook his head and stretched his arms out to Hisoka, who had retreated until his back was up against the sink unit. "What's wrong?" he asked, in genuine consternation. "What do you know about me?" Hisoka almost whispered, his throat suddenly feeling tight and dry. "That you..." began Tsuzuki, then stopped abruptly, his arms dropping limply to his sides. "I... I don't..." He stared at Hisoka, eyes widening with confusion and fear like a cornered wild animal. "Why can't I...?" His eyes darted around the small kitchen, desperately trying to place his surroundings, his mind scrabbling frantically for some small piece of familiarity that he could hang onto, ground himself with. Hisoka's mind was reeling from the unwelcome realization that despite the illusion of familiarity, he and Oni-Tsuzuki were virtually strangers; but feeling Tsuzuki's blind panic and fear, his heart ached with compassion. "Tsuzuki?" he whispered, lightly touching his arm and looking up at him in concern. "I can't remember anything," said Tsuzuki, desperately. "It feels like we've known each other for a long time and I can't remember anything!! What's happening to me??" He sank to his knees, clutching his head in his hands as though he was in pain, frantically trying to make sense of things. Hisoka knelt down beside him, worried that reaching out to hold and comfort him right now would just confuse Tsuzuki all the more. "We have known each other for a long time," he said gently, "We've been partners for over seven years." Tsuzuki looked up at him with small, pitiful smile of gratitude: "So I'm not imagining it!" He paused to think for a moment, then looked distressed again: "But I can't remember any of it!" He fisted his hands tightly in frustration. What the hell do I tell him?? Hisoka wondered. There was so much information that might send Tsuzuki over the edge - shit, he couldn't read thoughts as well as feelings, could he? This wasn't good... Tsuzuki whimpered in fear and confusion, sounding for all the world like a lost puppy. Puppy... Something clicked in Hisoka's mind. The growls, the whines, the licking... some of Tsuzuki's behaviour was reminding him of a dog, and dogs had a definite sixth sense when it came to human feelings. Hisoka wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry - so many times, Tsuzuki had behaved like an overgrown puppy, and it suddenly made perfect sense that his Other side would have a canine streak, too. Hisoka nearly laughed at the sheer obviousness of it, but the memories this brought back made him feel incredibly empty and sad because that might be all that was left of their partnership - the memories. He looked at Tsuzuki who had wrapped his arms tightly around himself and was staring at Hisoka with wide, frightened eyes. Hisoka had no idea what to do - whether to tell Tsuzuki carefully selected parts of their time as partners, whether it would be better in the long run to be honest and not hide things from him and whether hugging Tsuzuki would be the right thing to do. He had to do something, he couldn't leave Tsuzuki feeling this lost and confused. "What can you remember?" he asked softly, moving nearer to Tsuzuki. "Of us knowing each other?" "Yeah." Hisoka lightly rested his hand on Tsuzuki's leg; an attempt to offer some form of reassuring contact. It was obviously the right thing to do as he felt the warmth of Tsuzuki's hand gently cover and take hold of his own. "I just remember that you were there for me, that you were the only one who cared. The rest of them, they...." Tsuzuki tensed up and clenched his free hand in anger and despair. "Tsuzuki, I'm not the only one who cares about you. Tatsumi and Watari..." Hisoka broke off, seeing no spark of recognition in Tsuzuki's eyes. He took a deep breath. No, he wasn't going to give up - maybe he could help Tsuzuki to remember. "Tatsumi and Watari are your colleagues, they're your friends," he continued, depressed at the blank look that met his words. "Friends?" asked Tsuzuki, confused and sad. "I don't have any friends. Except you." He squeezed Hisoka's hand and leant over to wetly nuzzle his ear. Hisoka was apalled at the utter loneliness behind those words. Was this what his life had been like? Had there been no-one there for him except Ruka? And no wonder he had been hostile towards Tatsumi - he didn't even recognize him. Tatsumi must have seemed like a potential threat. "Is last night the furthest back you can remember?" Hisoka asked, his heart sinking at the confirmation of his fears. Tsuzuki shook his head. "I remember them killing Ruka the first time," he muttered, digging his fingernails into the palm of his own hand. She tried to protect me and they... and they... damn it all to hell, they were LAUGHING at her as they tortured her, and they were holding me back, so I broke their arms and snapped their wretched necks and took my poor Ruka back, but she was dying... she bled to death in my arms." Tsuzuki's voice, which had risen to an enraged snarl, died out in a broken whisper. "Tsuzuki... Oh God.." Hisoka wrapped his arms round the older man and held him tightly. Tears were coursing silently down Tsuzuki's cheeks as he slumped into Hisoka. Curling himself round Tsuzuki and burying his face in his hair, Hisoka desperately wanted to be able to ease his partner's pain, even if it was just a little. "Why? Why did they come back for her again?" whimpered Tsuzuki, "Wasn't once enough?" Hisoka couldn't bring himself to speak, and lightly kissed Tsuzuki's hair. Sobbing like a child, Tsuzuki threw his arms around Hisoka's shoulders and buried his face into the soft skin of his neck. Hisoka felt utterly heartbroken and helpless as he held his partner close to him - the more he stroked and tried to comfort Tsuzuki, the harder Tsuzuki sobbed. "Shhh," he whispered , gently brushing his fingers through Tsuzuki's hair. He knew that there was nothing he could do to take away the pain of something like this, to even begin to heal the scars it had left. All he could do was show Tsuzuki how much he cared, offer him comfort, a gesture that seemed small and futile alongside the sheer inhumanity that he and Tsuzuki had seen inflicted on the terrified Kotani Haruka. The inhumanity that they had been unable to prevent... It had started as a seemingly simple case - he and Tsuzuki were called to a small fishing village to find the reason for the spate of recent mysterious deaths, which were thought to have been supernatural in their cause. What they found instead was a witch hunt, the villagers torching fuel-soaked wadding and throwing everything from rocks to burning sticks to Molotov cocktails through the windows of the girl's house. Hisoka shuddered, recalling the hate-filled chants of the villagers as the house went up in flames. They had called the girl a demon, a monster, an evil curse... and Tsuzuki had fallen to his knees, hands over his ears, pleading for this to stop. Then, as now, Hisoka had desperately tried to help him, to comfort him, feeling Tsuzuki's memories of his own life come flooding back with horrific clarity. It was then that the past and present had collided and Tsuzuki's fragile hold on his sanity had snapped... ~*~*~*~ Hisoka was pulled back to the present by the sensation of Tsuzuki nestling closer and nuzzling his ear, sporadically dipping his tongue inside. Hisoka shivered and choked back an involuntary moan, but didn't pull away. No matter how unsettling it was that Tsuzuki didn't remember anything about their partnership beyond last night, no matter how screwed up everything was, Hisoka wanted to be close to Tsuzuki, to do anything to ease his distress and reassure him. No words were going to make anything that had happened any better, so Hisoka just held Tsuzuki quietly, stroking him, letting him cry. It was slightly disconcerting that Tsuzuki was now licking his neck in between sobs, but Hisoka just sat there, allowing and accepting everything. He tried to ignore and dismiss the strange quiver of excitement he felt at not only the warm, wet caress of Tsuzuki's tongue but at his own willing submission. He knew now that any rejection would hurt Tsuzuki deeply, and forcibly reminded himself that he was doing this for Tsuzuki's sake, to show him how much he cared. If Tsuzuki found it comforting or natural to lick him, then he would let him, he would.... ummmmhhhhhhhh..... Before Hisoka had realised what was happening, Tsuzuki had pulled them both down to the floor, and now lay atop Hisoka, coaxing him with the gentlest of kisses. Hisoka whimpered, unable to stop the small sound of surprise and pleasure from escaping. He had dreamed of this, but the reality was far sweeter than he had expected. The pain of their raw and badly damaged emotions hadn't prepared him for such gentleness, something so warm and comforting, so vital. With a little choked cry of need, Hisoka responded to the tender caress of Tsuzuki's lips, his own lips parting helplessly against that quivering, sobbing mouth. So warm, so wet, so irresistible. Tsuzuki's licky affection earlier had so very nearly broken down any resistance, and now Hisoka finally succumbed to the longing he felt for his violet-eyed partner. Past caring of whether there was a right way to do this, Hisoka lapped at Tsuzuki's mouth, begging for entrance. The moment Tsuzuki parted his lips, Hisoka plunged his tongue into the warm depths, kissing him hungrily, needily. Tsuzuki captured that excitedly wriggling little tongue and suckled on it, a gentle, pleasurable captivity that went almost unnoticed. Tsuzuki took hold of Hisoka's hands gently but firmly, raised his arms just above his head and pinned him to the ground. Hisoka gave a startled whimper of protest and struggled ineffectually against Tsuzuki's hold. Tearful violet eyes looked down tenderly at him, holding no hint of the sadistic lust that Hisoka had expected to see there in his momentary state of frightened panic and utter confusion. "Shhhh, it's all right, my little one," soothed Tsuzuki, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. Hisoka simultaneously bridled and wanted to cry with happiness at that endearment - it made him feel so many confusing, contradictory things, with the overall effect of leaving him limp, helpless and totally pliable. Almost unthinkingly, he let his fingers intertwine with Tsuzuki's, and looked up at him with big pleading eyes. "Better now?" asked Tsuzuki, softly, drawing his tongue across Hisoka's lips in a gentle lick. "Better," mumbled Hisoka, almost incoherently, letting his head loll back against one of his arms and parting his lips to invite Tsuzuki in. He tried to sift through the tangled mess of his own emotions but this new feeling was so fluid, so elusive, he couldn't grasp onto anything beyond need, want and the fact that Tsuzuki's continued tears were tugging painfully at his heart. There was something indescribably touching about Tsuzuki sobbing into his mouth and kissing him deeply at the same time. Hisoka wanted to reach up and put his arms round Tsuzuki, to hold him, stroke his hair, pull him closer, but he was held captive, able only to submit. Tsuzuki kissed him harder and deeper, almost desperate in his urgency, still cying brokenly, his tears trickling down over Hisoka's cheeks. As he lay there on his back on the cold kitchen floor, his mouth open and receptive to Tsuzuki, his legs sprawled in an ungainly manner and his hips involuntarily arching upwards to seek more contact, Hisoka felt hopelessly in love, lost, out of control and more aroused than he had ever remembered being, caught between the instinct to fight this and the need for Tsuzuki to take away what little control and emotional protection he had left. Vacillating between the darkness of his memories and helpless surges of desire for Tsuzuki, Hisoka was momentarily bewildered when he felt cool air surround him. He opened his eyes and stared dazedly at the kitchen ceiling for a few moments, then sat up and saw Tsuzuki holding out his arms to him. "Come here," whispered Tsuzuki, huskily. Hisoka leant forward into the embrace, feeling Tsuzuki's strong, warm arms surround him, and let himself to be pulled into Tsuzuki's lap. "I want you, I need you," Tsuzuki murmured, his voice thick with desire and still choked with tears, crushing Hisoka tightly against him. Hisoka trembled at those words and at the immense passion behind them, and clung to Tsuzuki, mewling into the softness of his throat as he squirmed against the older shinigami, trying to relieve the aching, pulsing desire that refused to subside. Tsuzuki held him close for a few minutes, before suddenly lifting him as though he weighed no more than a feather and repositioning him on his hands and knees. Hisoka gulped, feeling a sudden wave of apprehension and fear sweep through him. This didn't feel right, all of a sudden, this... Before he could process this thought, Tsuzuki's hands were on his hips, then sliding forward to undo the fastening of his jeans. No!!... But he remained silent, pushing his thoughts and feelings down as far as he could, determined not to let the icy terror gripping at the pit of his stomach win out, determined not to let Tsuzuki know how afraid he was. Tsuzuki's fingers were gentle as they brushed along his erection, sending shudders of such intense pleasure through his body that he felt slightly queasy. He wasn't used to being touched there, no-one had done that to him since..... And then he felt violently sick and terrified by the memories, burning with hopeless impotent hatred, a feeling of horror so intense that it drowned out the warmth and genuine, almost loving desire that he had felt from Tsuzuki. FUCK Muraki, fuck the past, fuck it, fuck it, FUCK IT!! "Are you alright?" Tsuzuki's concerned voice seemed disembodied, words floating on the air, detached from any kind of reality. Hisoka didn't answer. He couldn't. He couldn't even bring himself to speak at that moment. He felt Tsuzuki's hands on his hips, stroking him gently, trying to soothe him, felt the sorrow, confusion and tenderness that welled up in him, and wanted to cry. Despite his fear, he couldn't find it within himself to care what happened to him any more - all he knew was that he wanted to make Tsuzuki feel better, wanted to give himself to Tsuzuki, wanted to do this to show him how much he cared, wanted to do this because they might never have another chance to do anything together.... "I'm OK", he replied, weakly. Tsuzuki's breath felt warm against Hisoka's back as he leant over him, planting gentle, wet kisses along his spine. Hisoka breathed deeply, trying to calm himself. The care and concern he felt radiating from his partner strengthened his resolve to go through with this. Even if it hurt like hell, he was determined not to back out of it. "It's OK, Tsuzuki," he said, his voice a little stronger now. "Are you sure?" "Yes." Hisoka was far from sure, but would have bitten his tongue out rather than say anything to the contrary. It felt very strange and a little frightening to be this exposed to anyone but he obligingly lifted first one knee and then the other to allow Tsuzuki to remove his jeans and underwear completely. He tried to relax as he felt strong, gentle hands caressing, massaging and then spreading him, tried not to wince at the warm pressure of Tsuzuki's thumb against the tense muscle of his entrance. He knew that Tsuzuki was trying to make this nice for him, but he was still scared. He took a deep breath as he heard Tsuzuki fumblingly undoing his own pants, and shuddered hard as something that was most definitely not Tsuzuki's hand touched him. His body didn't want to open up to that slow, inexorable push and he desperately willed it to relax, to let Tsuzuki in. Then... something gave; just the slightest pressure at first, followed by rapidly increasing discomfort as Tsuzuki gradually penetrated him, opening him wider than his muscles wanted to allow. Hisoka gasped for air and bit his lip hard as the pain became worse.. and worse.. and he thought he was going to split in two. Tsuzuki was inside him, and no matter how much he wanted this, it was fucking unbearable agony. Another cautious push from Tsuzuki and Hisoka went into spasm, clamping down hard on his partner and unable to hold back a scream of pain. Immediately, Tsuzuki's hands were gently massaging his buttocks, trying to ease the cramp. Hisoka hung his head, tried to stifle snarls of pain and chewed at his lip until he drew blood. "Relax, let go," urged Tsuzuki, his voice soft and kind but with a hint of a whimper as he failed to free himself from the iron grip of Hisoka's muscles. Slowly, slowly the tension eased, and Tsuzuki was able to slip out. He pulled Hisoka back into his lap and cradled him gently. "I don't want to hurt you," murmured Tsuzuki, wrapping himself round Hisoka and kissing his hair. "I know. I... I'm sorry," mumbled Hisoka. "Sorry?" asked Tsuzuki, completely stunned. "I wanted to be able to do this, I..." Hisoka muttered, his face resting against Tsuzuki's throat. "Shhhh," Tsuzuki soothed, nudging Hisoka's chin upwards and softly licking his face. With one arm wrapped around Hisoka, Tsuzuki brought his other hand down to stroke his hips and explore the soft skin on the inside of his thighs. Tilting his face into the wet caress, Hisoka tried in vain to grasp onto some kind of rational thought. He was losing himself. He was losing himself in Tsuzuki - no, in Tsuzuki's Other side - and offering himself in willing surrender. Despite the now-easing physical pain, despite the shudders of revulsion and shame he'd experienced when, alone at night, his own need had driven him to touch himself, he was responding to the sexual stimulation of Tsuzuki's touch and the gentle warmth of his emotions with a feeling of rightness, of pleasure. He tried to tell himself that the simple, instinctive creature who held him was not really his Tsuzuki - but that wasn't true. This was very much part of the Tsuzuki he knew and... oh, to hell with any remaining denial... loved. He wanted Tsuzuki like he'd never wanted anyone else, and under the circumstances, that feeling was one of almost exquisite pain. He now knew the dark side that Tsuzuki had tried to hide from him, had wanted to protect him from; the side that had committed unspeakable acts, leaving the human part of Tsuzuki responsible for the atrocities and tortured with guilt. And yet he wasn't afraid - not of Tsuzuki, anyway. His own past, his present state of aching desire and emotional vulnerability and the sinking dread he felt when he contemplated the consequences of last night - all these terrified him. But Tsuzuki, he trusted. Tsuzuki stopped licking his face for a moment and looked questioningly at him. "Is this your first time?" he asked gently. "First time?" echoed Hisoka, in disbelief. "The first time anyone's tried to take you like this," Tsuzuki elaborated, moving his hand up to caress Hisoka intimately. Hisoka whimpered and reflexively arched forward into the touch even while his brain reeled in dismay at the question. The realization of how little this Tsuzuki actually remembered of their time together as partners was painful and it frightened him because all this, traumatic though it was, might be swept under the carpet when... if... Tsuzuki returned to his old self - if EnMaDaiOh granted him that much time. "No, it's not my first time," he answered, wincing. "Bad?" asked Tsuzuki, with crushing but genuine innocence. Hisoka nodded, not wanting to think or talk any more than he had to about that night. He was going to crack up completely if he allowed himself to go under to his memories. "I'm sorry this was bad too. It's my first time - with another man, I mean..." Tsuzuki murmured, nuzzling his face into Hisoka's hair, one hand still cupping and caressing his growing erection. Hisoka's eyes went wide. NO WAY. Absolutely no way. Given Tsuzuki's touchy-feely behaviour and the amount of male admirers he had... Damn it. Tsuzuki's entire memory of his time as a shinigami had been wiped out, so of course he wouldn't remember if..... This was going to be so difficult. How the hell were they going to cope if EnMa either showed lenience or decided that there was still use for Tsuzuki as a shinigami? Tsuzuki probably didn't even realize that both himself and Hisoka were - technically - dead. "I want to make love to you, not hurt you," continued Tsuzuki, rocking Hisoka in his arms as though he was a small child in need of comforting. "Is there a way I can take you and not hurt you?" "I don't know," said Hisoka, dismally. "I haven't wanted to even think about things... like this. I never thought I would want..." He broke off, unable to bring himself to say the words and inwardly cursing himself for his own willful ignorance. "It didn't hurt Ruka when I made love to her," Tsuzuki whispered, his eyes and voice suffused with sadness. Hisoka sat bolt upright and stared at Tsuzuki in total shock. He was not hearing this... "You made love to your sister?" he demanded, his voice cracking. "I loved her. I wanted to show her how I felt," said Tsuzuki, simply. Hisoka could feel the sorrow pouring off him in waves, and, despite feeling totally shaken, reached down to take one of Tsuzuki's hands in a gentle, comforting gesture. Conventional morality dictated that Tsuzuki had done a terrible thing and yet Hisoka found himself unable to justify why such a thing was so terrible. And right now, everything was so utterly fucked up that somehow, this confession seemed simultaneously unreal and - strangely - expected. "After that, they took her away from me..." Tsuzuki continued, brokenly, "but she came back, and then..." He left the words unspoken, unable to continue. Hisoka squeezed his hand gently, and snuggled close. Tsuzuki stroked Hisoka's hair and looked at him, his eyes shimmering with tears. "And now I've got you - I won't let anyone take you away from me." Just let them try it! thought Hisoka, a fierce passion burning in his veins, his mind reeling and his body sensitive and aching. He didn't know how to tell Tsuzuki just how much those words meant to him, especially in the light of Tsuzuki's unexpected confession. On one level, Hisoka couldn't even begin to wrap his head round the admission that Tsuzuki had slept with his sister, let alone accept or understand it, but knowing that Tsuzuki had loved someone and lost them made him ache with compassion and tenderness. He had forgiven Tsuzuki. There was nothing to forgive. Without warning, Tsuzuki gently but firmly grasped Hisoka round the waist and tipped him forward. "Uhhhh??" Hisoka let out a noise of confusion and protest at suddenly finding himself on his hands and knees once again. "Shhh, it's alright," reassured Tsuzuki, caressing his hips. "I hurt you before, and I want to make it better." Hisoka felt all his muscles clench up tightly in fear as Tsuzuki spread him, but this time, instead of pain, there was the unexpected sensation of warm breath playing over his aching rear. Unsure what was happening, he was about to look round when something warm and wet touched his opening, very very gently. That touch came again... and again, each time just as pleasureable. Then he felt Tsuzuki's lips press up against his puckered entrance in a soft, slow kiss. Hisoka whimpered, aroused and aching. Tsuzuki was trying to kiss him better. Oh god.... He still felt a little frightened, shy and humiliated at being so open, so exposed, but now that feeling just added to his enjoyment. He wanted Tsuzuki to strip him of the rest of his clothes, his defences and his dignity and hold him safe and loved while he did so. He didn't understand where this thought came from and it scared him, but refused to be quelled. Tsuzuki began to trace slow, moist small circles around the ring of tight muscle, the dampness of his tongue both soothing and erotic. Hisoka moaned softly as he felt himself contract and relax in little spasms of pleasure. Then he gasped as Tsuzuki gently parted him a little further and slipped his tongue inside. So nice...... His arms and legs began to tremble, and he tried not to collapse - something that was made even more difficult by Tsuzuki reaching down and teasing his erection with feather-soft caresses. "Tsuzuki!!" Hisoka wailed, shivering with excitement and wobbling precariously. Tsuzuki responded by fluttering his fingertips lightly over the head of Hisoka's arousal, drawing forth a cry of frustration and pleasure. Hisoka felt his arms and legs giving way, but before he could fall, Tsuzuki had reached out and was supporting him, strong hands holding him safe; comforting, warm and secure. Tsuzuki had reduced him to a state of helpless, quivering need, and Hisoka loved him for it. He wanted this, he wanted it so badly. Hisoka barely recognized himself in this sentiment, but he was too aroused to deal with it right now. All he knew was that he wanted to give himself completely to Tsuzuki. Damn. If only there was a way of taking Tsuzuki inside him that wasn't painful. If only he'd accepted the inevitable and found out what to do when the time came. True, he had never bargained for his first time with Tsuzuki being with his so-called Oni side, a creature who was almost as clueless as Hisoka himself when it came to this, but... With a sense of horror, he realized he was going to have to swallow what little there was left of his self-respect and ask a truly awful question. "Hisoka?" whispered Tsuzuki, concerned. "I want you but I don't know what to do so it doesn't hurt like that!" whimpered Hisoka, dying inwardly of shame. "We can do other things," reassured Tsuzuki, "And then try to find out how we do this." But we haven't got time! Hisoka wanted to cry; angry, frustrated and hurting that they had only managed to come together like this when they had the shadow of a future denied hanging over their heads. In absolute desperation, he asked the only logical question he could think of, the one he so did not want to have to ask: "What was it that allowed you to make love to Ruka without hurting her?" // Oh hell, ground open up and swallow me NOW!!! // Tsuzuki seemed completely unfazed by the question. He pressed gentle kisses to every part of Hisoka he could easily reach and stroked him reassuringly while he thought out loud. "She seemed very open and very damp down there," he mused; "I just slipped in easily." This was far more information than Hisoka wished to know, but at least it was useful information. Damp... He dredged up vague memories of Watari telling himself and Tsuzuki not to forget the lube when they went off on a mission together. Lubrication... So THAT was what... Problem solved. Problem solved in the least romantic or erotic manner imaginable, but solved, none the less. He pensively eyed the container of hand lotion by the sink. That might work. But by now, unfortunately, he wasn't feeling remotely turned on. He could have gladly banged his head against one of the kitchen cupboards in frustration. Tsuzuki had noticed that something wasn't right, and gave a sad little whine. "I'm sorry," muttered Hisoka, feeling really disappointed with himself and hurting because he'd let Tsuzuki down. Tsuzuki just gently took hold of Hisoka's limp penis and stroked it so softly and affectionately that Hisoka was sure he was trying to comfort him rather than arouse him again. "Don't be sorry," murmured Tsuzuki, leaning over Hisoka and snuggling close. Hisoka knew that he was loved as well as wanted, there was no doubt from the tender warmth he felt from Tsuzuki, had been feeling from him, and those feelings were mutual, but despite, or perhaps even because of the awareness that things *should* be alright, all Hisoka wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Everything had managed to go wrong, and he felt like a stupid, useless child. "We won't do this if you don't want," said Tsuzuki gently, but with a sad whimper in his voice. "I do want," said Hisoka, almost bitterly, frustrated at his own sense of uselessness and failure. He wished right now that he hadn't allowed himself to get this far with Tsuzuki, that Tsuzuki had never been attracted to him or felt anything for him. Tatsumi was the right person for Tsuzuki - he could give him things that Hisoka never could. Hisoka stumbled unsteadily to his feet and lurched towards the sink and the hand-lotion dispenser. Returning to Tsuzuki, he knelt down beside him and shoved the hand lotion at him. "We can use this to make things easier," he mumbled, despondent and yet at the same time, desperate. "What is it?" enquired Tsuzuki, looking at the container rather dubiously. "Hand lotion." Hisoka squeezed a little out, and rubbed some onto Tsuzuki's fingertips. "Feel - it's wet and slippery. We can use this to make me damp enough to..." "No," said Tsuzuki firmly. "What?" Hisoka stared in shock at his partner. "I said NO," repeated Tsuzuki. "I won't take you like this." "Why? What do you mean?" faltered Hisoka, dropping the hand lotion and looking up at Tsuzuki in confused despair. Things were going from bad to worse - he felt that Tsuzuki was right to reject him, but he didn't want to be rejected. He wanted to be able to do this - for Tsuzuki and for himself. He didn't want to feel like a difficult child rather than an adult equal, he didn't want to be defeated by his past, and he most definitely didn't want to be rejected by Tsuzuki. He wanted to give Tsuzuki pleasure. But.... "This isn't right," said Tsuzuki, more gently, his tone filled with sadness. "But...." Hisoka stuttered. "I don't want this. I don't want to just take you. I want this to be for the both of us." "Whaaaaat...?" protested Hisoka, bewildered and very upset. "I want to do this for YOU as well as me." "I want you to give yourself to me completely," said Tsuzuki, in a small voice. Hisoka finally lost it. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO?" he howled, feeling like the most useless piece of rubbish on the planet. Clambering to his feet, he decided to do the only thing he could think of right then, apart from bang his head against a wall and scream in frustration: go to the bathroom, clean up, take a shower. At least that way he wouldn't look as dreadful as he felt. He tried to walk away, but Tsuzuki had grabbed him firmly by the wrist, and was hanging on desperately. "Let go, Tsuzuki," Hisoka muttered, attempting to pull free. Tsuzuki shook his head, and held on. "LET GO!" Another refusal. Hisoka couldn't take any more - he needed to get away. He tried to move towards the door, but couldn't, because Tsuzuki was hanging on so tightly. Finally, in utter desperation, he slapped Tsuzuki as hard as he could. For the moment, Hisoka was free, as Tsuzuki yelped and let go of him. The sense of relief at gaining this freedom was precisely nil - Hisoka felt like an absolute arsehole and instantly regretted his actions. He stumbled blindly towards the door, his eyes blurring with tears. Even though it had hurt when Tsuzuki tried to slide inside of him, even though the situation was almost unbearably painful, the closeness they had shared was so special and he had just totally fucked up, ruined everything. He didn't understand what Tsuzuki wanted from him, didn't know how to give him what he needed. And not only had he failed the both of them, he had slapped Tsuzuki instead of giving him love. Correction, he had slapped a creature who was part-Oni. Ohhhh FUCK... Barely able to see straight and feeling his legs threatening to leave him in a crumpled heap on the floor, Hisoka took what seemed the only sensible course of action right now, and ran towards the bathroom, groping for the walls to guide him. |
[1] [2]
HOME FANFICTION
