I am become Rug Doctor, Cleaner of Carpets

 by Penny Paperbrain



Author's Notes:

Warnings: No yaoi, hentai or indeed anything remotely suspect (sorry). And it really doesn't make sense, but it will make slightly less nonsense if you read this post by Evil Asian Genius (quoted below):

"Edit: I got the hang of the cleaner, and I finished the living room/dining area (the table could use moving, but I ain't doing it myself, it being a monstrosity of glass and brassy metal).

I am become Rug Doctor(tm), cleaner of carpets.

-10 points if you can point out where I painfully ripped that quote from and twisted to my own ends.
-20 if you can figure out a way to put Rug Doctor(tm) and Muraki in a 500 words-or-less spamfic.

**points cannot be redeemed for anything useful. Points exist only because Geniuth hab teh tired and thinks it's amusing to give out points, while speaking in the third person. Zzzzzz**"

Note to EAG: I’m afraid Rug Doctor has taken on the personality and clothing of a British cleaning lady - the only type I know - but otherwise I have been faithful to your brief.




“I AM BECOME RUG DOCTOR, CLEANER OF CARPETS”


“Sakaki-kun, who exactly is this person?” Dr Muraki looked over his glasses at a long-haired woman in a pink-and-white checked pinny who was hoovering towards him at high speed.

“Pardon?” responded Sakaki, shouting over the sound of the infernal engine the woman was wielding. “Oh, she’s Rug Doctor. Comes highly recommended by – um, in the business.”

The apparition reached Muraki.

“Mind out, sunshine,” she scolded. Muraki automatically raised his beautifully tailored legs, nearly overbalancing himself against the back of the leather armchair. The vacuum cleaner surged viciously into the space he had vacated, sucking and whirring.

“I think perhaps I will return to my office,” said Muraki, trying to get up.

“Oh no you won’t,” the woman contradicted grimly, grabbing his arm and forcibly reseating him. “You’re one o’ them unnatural perverts, aren’t you?” she gave him a narrow-eyed, assessing glare. “Bound to be all sorts of ‘orrible mess in your carpets. Nobody sets foot in there till the uncoverin’ spell’s done. And if I finds ichor ground into that shagpile, I’m chargin’ you double.”

“Sakaki-kun,” protested Muraki as loudly as he could without the indignity of shouting. “I think we need to talk.”

Sorry, Sakaki mouthed back. Discount… He smiled placatingly and raised his mug with a quirk of the eyebrow.

Muraki nodded yes to coffee, then cursed to himself for being so malleable. If Tsuzuki-san found out.... Well, it was no good murdering Sakaki and sucking his energy. For every insane cleaning lady there were fifty exquisite cups of coffee and half a dozen superbly exploded cruise liners. And his carpet had been smelling a bit odd lately, you never could tell what muck demons would tramp in.

“Shift that, then,” ordered Rug Doctor, making him jump.

Muraki followed her imperiously pointing finger towards the glass table in the centre of Sakaki’s office, the one that was so handy for wipe-clean pentagrams.

He briefly considered murdering the woman and sucking her energy, but really he would rather speed her along so he could forget this ridiculous incident as quickly as possible.

Pretending to pick a thread from his sleeve, he made a subtle gesture and the table rose into the air. It went to float over Sakaki’s head for a moment, but the wretched man was bent over the kettle and failed to notice.

“Don’t drop fluff on my nice clean carpet!” Rug Doctor snapped, even while launching herself at the vacated space.

“Whatever you say, my good woman,” said Muraki as good-naturedly as he could manage.

“There we are,” said Rug Doctor, standing back and leaning on her machine like a satisfied gardener. “And to think that Mister Tatsumi said you was a bad lot. Right, it’s me tea break. I’ll be back to do that office of yours in fifteen minutes.” And she vanished in a cloud of lemon disinfectant.

Muraki straightened his glasses. He straightened his trousers, and straightened the medical journal he had dumped in his lap when Rug Doctor came at him.

“Sakaki-kun…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~





HOME  WHATEVER