And Now for Something Completely Different
By Katsue Fox
This was inspired by reading one-too-many crossovers in Fuda 100 and then going on to browse an icon community, wherein I saw the words "Yami no Matsuei" and "Monty Python" in close proximity. Some things are so wrong they just have to be done! And so I give you EnMaCho's shokan division performing "The Lumberjack Song"
Disclaimer: “The Lumberjack Song” is the property of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
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And Now for Something Completely Different
Tatsumi:
I would like to make sure you are all aware - yes, especially you, Tsuzuki-san - that we have once again failed to keep within our budget. Therefore, what I propose is that...
(his voice suddenly cracks) Oh, sod it. I didn't want to do this. I don't want to be the secretary for EnMa-Cho. I don't want to rabbit on all day about budget deficits and expense accounts.
I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
He rips off his suit to reveal a checked lumberjack shirt and workwear trousers held up with braces. A furry hat falls out of the sky and lands on his head, one ear-flap obscuring most of his face. Tsuzuki, who is wearing an indecently short frilly dress, white lace stockings and a hair-ribbon, reaches up to fix Tatsumi’s hat.
A badly-drawn forest backdrop descends clumsily behind them and the rest of the Shokan division gather around, dressed as mounties – with the exception of Watari who is wearing his usual lab coat and something that looks suspiciously like a pair of thigh-high women's boots.
Tatsumi:
Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!
Tsuzuki snuggles up to Tatsumi, leaning on his shoulder and gazing up at him adoringly
Tatsumi:
With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!
(singing, and looking very earnest)
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
All (somehow managing to keep their faces straight):
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Tatsumi:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
Hisoka pulls a face and mutters something under his breath about “too much information”.
All:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
Watari (loudly):
Yeah, the economy variety because he’s too much of a cheapskate to buy anything else.
Hisoka elbows him in the ribs and gestures to him to shut up
All:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Tatsumi (still wearing the same earnest expression):
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
Saya and Yuma suddenly look interested. VERY interested. Watari grins from ear-to-ear, Hisoka rolls his eyes and Terazuma mutters something rude. Wakaba glares at him.
All:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... in bars??!!??
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Saya and Yuma edge closer to Tatsumi, their eyes like saucers.
Tatsumi (with one hand over his heart and the other outstretched dramatically):
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
Watari punctuates this verse with a partial striptease, slipping off his lab coat to reveal a black lacy bra and suspenders, a frilly garter, fishnet stockings and thigh-high black gloss PVC boots with six-inch spike heels.
Saya and Yuma faint. Hisoka holds up a sign saying “I don’t know these people” with arrows pointing in all directions.
All:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and .... a Bra????
Cast break off song, and begin insulting Tatsumi
Konoe:
What's this?
Elder Gushoshin (wide-eyed):
Wants to be a girlie?!
Younger Gushoshin:
Oh, My!
Terazuma:
Poofter!...
Wakaba kicks his ankle and tells him to shut up
Tsuzuki (crying):
Tatsumiiiiiii!! And I thought you were so rugged!
Runs away, sobbing dramatically
All (singing):
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
A giant cartoon foot promptly descends from the sky and squashes the lot of them with a wet farting sound.
Cultured English voice (offstage):
And now for something completely different... A man with a tape recorder up his *brother's*...
Watari's lab goes "KABOOOM!"
Deadpan English voice:
Stop this. This is getting very very silly now. Very silly indeed!
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THE END
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A transcript of the actual lyrics can be found here and yes, the burble at the beginning is also adapted from the song. The ending is taken from two other Monty Python sketches.
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